kids

Holler Out to the Masses

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It has been almost two months since I updated my blog. No excuses. It is what it is (I detest that statement with a vengeance, by the way).

First of all, no one should let 16 year olds drive. They are like little babies. And they don’t have full prefrontal cortex development at all. And sometimes they say things like, “Well, I thought it was a trashcan, so I just kept backing up.” As if backing into a trash can is okay (But seriously, I’d take it over backing into a car which is what the supposed-trashcan actually was). The kid is a safe driver, just don’t let him drive backwards. He’s the opposite of Mater (that’s a reference to Cars, which is ironic because when he was a baby we watched that movie approximately 7 million times, so you think backwards driving would be where it’s at).

I’m losing weight and taking names. And running. And walking. And also I still feel tired. I mean, I went to Target with the kids, ate out on the patio, and did a quick tour of the Polk cabins, and I felt like I had been run over by a truck. I’m guessing this is what happens when you have been sitting home for a year and decide to venture back into the real world. As an aside, do you remember when we all said, ‘When I’m in the real world, things will be xyz.” I actually told my son something the other day and said, “When you’re in the real world,” as if the world he’s living in is not real.

The world he’s living in is TOO real. Our kids have so much stress. They are resilient beyond measure. He keeps telling me I don’t understand, and I don’t. I didn’t have the kind of pressure he has in his life. Shout out to the kids, yo!

That was a giant aside, so back to the losing weight and taking names. I decided a few months back that being a sloth was the pits. I basically only left the couch to pee. I would walk with friends, but most days I spent in bed, on the computer working, or generally not doing much. So I got to moving again. I started running and not worrying about my pace, just moving my body. I’m running about 4 times a week now. I run 3-5 miles depending on the day. I have a running buddy some days, and I go by myself some days. I sometimes sing to myself out-loud while running, so people smile and laugh at me. Good times. I really love this time of year when it’s cool in the morning, and spring is coming, and it’s warmer in the afternoon. I love exploring the neighborhoods near me by foot. I forgot how much running meant to me and how good it was for my mental health. When I start doing it, I start feeling happier. I’m a better parent, better wife, and generally a better and happier person. And I don’t even go fast. I probably do what most people consider jogging, but whatevs. I do it for me.

I wanted to write more, and I had this great idea to write about a world in which soulmates are determined through a program. And then guess what? In my many hours of binging Netflix and other streaming services (of which I pay for too many), I saw this show called One which is about exactly that. I am hoping one day soon to get back to novel-writing or at least short story writing or some form of writing. I love the way I feel when I write, just like when I run, so why do I fight it so much?

Anyway, we are getting ready to see family soon, which is so exciting because it has been so long. It’s amazing the perspective a 1 year pandemic puts into your life. It makes you look at your priorities, and change them. I feel this year has made me grow as a person. Probably COVID-19 coupled with the fact I’m now 40+. It’s true what people say about being over 40–you start not giving a shit about what other people think. You really come into your own. I am so much better at establishing boundaries than I was even two years ago, and at knowing what I want, and generally being satisfied with life. It’s crazy that it takes human beings almost half of their life to feel this way (or at least this human being). This has been some lifelong work.

Also, here is a picture of my dog Jazz. She’s awesome, and honestly once the hubs and I aren’t working from home anymore I’m not sure if she’ll be okay (she has a brother, Skippy, who is equally as awesome but doesn’t really like his photo taken).

My dog is cute.

Signing off.

Lauren

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Christmas Vacation

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It’s almost time for Christmas vacation. And we’re not going anywhere. We are being particularly careful as COVID-19 is getting worse all around the United States. I am in a mad dash to have my kids get caught up in their classes. As I’ve written before, I feel like virtual school does not work for my children. My middle and high-schooler are struggling so much. I’m sort of at the point of throwing it in the bag and just hoping they pass.

I’m wondering, realistically, how prepared my kids are going to be for their classes following these. I mean, I look at the work they’re supposed to have done, and it seems as if they are picking and choosing what to do. I will say Canvas is probably the hardest thing in the world to grasp. I mean, it does list a To-DO section, but that’s only recent To-Dos, and sometimes old To-Dos just disappear even if they haven’t been TO-DONE! It makes a mom super frustrated.

I feel the worst for my 10th grader. He doesn’t have much time left to make up what’s going on. I will say though you can tell what’s important. We received a message from the school saying GPA requirements will be thrown out this year for sports. Oh Hallelujah! Right, Sports the KING of the USA. No one should even be playing sports right now. I mean how ridiculous is that? Maybe we should throw out GPA requirements and testing standards for EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.OTHER.THING! Because how can you tell a kid he has to take an End of Course exam when he’s been virtual all year and sitting mindlessly in front of a computer instead of a real live teacher? It just doesn’t make sense.

It’s one of a lot of things that don’t make sense. I feel like, in this country which I love, we keep doing the same things expecting the same results (definition of insanity). Well our lives have changed DRASTICALLY! And yet we expect our most vulnerable human beings, our children, to do well and go on living like nothing has changed. Well everything has changed for them too. In years to come, this will be studied, and our future selves will be asking, “WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED and why wasn’t anything done about it?”

And can we talk about the COVID-19 vaccine for a hot minute? People are worried about taking it. WORRIED about taking a vaccine that could potentially save their life, their neighbor’s life, their kid’s life. WHAT? I get how people could be skeptical. But I am really doubting when the polio vaccine came around that some Karens sat around and said, “Oh, should I get Billy a vaccine or risk him spending his entire life in an iron lung?” Come on, people. Listen to the scientists instead of social media!

I promise I was going to write about Christmas Vacation. Mainly, because I wish it could last three or four months and that my kids wouldn’t ever have to go back to virtual school. In the mornings, before I go for a run or walk, I sit in front of the Christmas tree and I ponder things (when I’m not binge watching television). For one, I ponder why it took me eight months of being in my home to decide to get healthy and to get in shape? For two, I ponder how people who have grown up in the same culture, with give-or-take the same ideals can think so differently about things like science and practical thought, and three I ponder whether my kids are going to come out of this okay? I hope they do. I will say we have had a lot of togetherness. Possibly too much togetherness. And I hope they look back on this and don’t think about the time I made them get caught up on 7 billion assignments on a Sunday. I hope they think about the time we made cookies, and went exploring in the woods, and sat by the fireplace and cuddled, and talked about our feelings, and commiserated about COVID-19, you know, the good times. And I hope this Christmas, though it will be different for them, will bring them joy, love, and happiness, and give them a little bit of a break from the stress in their lives. I hope that for them.

I hope 50% of people in the US will take the COVID-19 vaccine, and eventually we can get back to a more normal way of life. And I hope in the future, people will listen to the experts and stop thinking about their own selfish needs and put other people before them for once. These are my hopes for this Christmas.

Peace on Earth and Goodwill to Men (and all genders).

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Virtual School is For the Birds

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Photo by Luca Paul on Pexels.com

We are in our third week of virtual school. With three kids. Two full-time work-from-home parents. Two dogs who lie around all day. And virtual school is for the birds.

I know there is not much of a choice right now. And overall, I will say my family is coping magnificently. I am still being productive. I make lists. I get my work done. I get the house cleaned occasionally. I stay on top of the kids…mostly. They are doing their assignments…mostly. We all still get along…mostly.

Today, the most-amazing teacher of my youngest child emailed me to tell me she hadn’t shown up for her small group? What? She has Whole Group followed immediately for small group. I walked into her room, and she is in bed playing her ipad. Grrr. Seriously? I had loads of work to do this morning, and I just assumed she was doing what she was supposed to do. You know what they say happens when you ASSuMe right?

I realize we are lucky, because we do have the privilege of working from home. But, geez, times are hard. It’s okay to not be okay with virtual school. Or with anything, because we are in the middle of a pandemic, and there is social and political unrest, but I I have these seriously mixed feelings. I wanted my kids to go to school, since they moved hours away from the only home they’d known and had to start over this year. But I also knew being in actual school probably wasn’t the safest place for them. So I felt okay when our district announced we would all start out virtual. Until it actually happened.

You know when you’re about to go on vacation and you have this dream that everything will be perfect. I had that before virtual school. Don’t ask me why. I must be a mostly positive thinker or perhaps I’m delusional. But managing virtual school for a high-schooler, middle-schooler, and an elementary-schooler is harder than I imagined. And the parent Canvas updates make my eyes twitch. I mean, I guess I’m appreciative of knowing whether or not my kid turns his work in, but I sort of feel like his secretary now. Pencil in your Thursday for constant nagging about that English paper that was due Tuesday at 8 AM.

For the most part, the teachers have been amaze-balls. I mean what a freaking hard time to be a teacher. Amiright? They basically went from teaching one way, to being thrown into teaching virtually in March. Then everyone hated on them, because it wasn’t amazingly perfect. I mean is it even possible to recreate the wheel in one day? No, the answer to that question is no. And now the teachers are going above and beyond. And I’m pretty sure they realize virtual learning sucks and isn’t ideal either. The teacher emailing me to tell me my kid didn’t come to class. I mean, how awesome is that. And they also realize how hard this is for the kids, and so most of the teachers have been so amazing about cutting them slack. My English teacher from high school would have circled every amazing in that sentence, besides the first one for repetition. Also, I found one of my high school papers the other day, and did you know the word “interesting” conveys nothing. How interesting.

I do feel lucky not to have a Kindergartener right now or any younger children for that matter. I have a friend who does. I cannot imagine trying to teach little children via Zoom either. My sister has that role, and I am having anxiety for her. She’s an amazing teacher, so I know she will do an awesome job. I mean, seriously, y’all. Our teachers need some serious props for putting up with all this shit. Their world has been turned upside down, just like our world. Let’s start really appreciating them during teacher appreciation week, and also during every.single.other.day they teach. They deserve mad props. Watch the video below to see why teachers are heroes. It will make you laugh, I promise.

The thing about virtual learning is it is only temporary. I keep having to remind myself and my kids that. Especially for my 10th grader, it feels like it will last forever. He’s missing out on his high school experiences, but let’s face it most of those suck. (Ha, just kidding–sort of). But we just need to tell ourselves, our kids, and our teachers every day: we’re in this together. We’ve got this. Communication seriously helps. I have had my kids email their teachers, I’ve emailed teachers, I’ve attended every optional Zoom parent call. Because I want to make this as easy on myself and my kids and their teachers as possible. Because, let’s face this, it’s not easy or even ideal. But we can get through this together.

And one last thing, if you want to be a hero you can donate to my fundraiser for NAAF. The link to the fundraiser is here: https://support.naaf.org/fundraiser/2880085. I am trying to raise $500 for the National Alopecia Areata Foundation to help them continue their research and efforts. Click NAAF to learn more about this amazing organization.

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A Quick Trip to Hot Springs

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I don’t consider myself adventurous. I mean, I have had some adventures. Remember that time, Rob made me rappel into a Cenote in Mexico? Did I mention I’m afraid of heights?

Adventurous Lauren

Despite my lack of adventurous spirit, the week before school started, I decided it would be fun to take all three kids on a trip to Pisgah National Forest and camp out. Did I mention Rob wouldn’t be there?

We planned a quick trip–just drive up Tuesday, campout, possibly go tubing on the French Broad River, or go to Chimney Rock, then come home the next day. I had Chromebooks to pick up, schedules to view, and virtual open houses to attend at the end of the week for the kids.

We found a campground online called Rocky Bluff Campground. This put us about three hours away from Charlotte, and on the other side of Asheville. The trip there went well. Liam had a slight panic attack on the mountain roads. He doesn’t like heights either. When the GPS told us to turn left into the campground, I wondered how that would happen, since by all appearances we were on the side of a mountain, but the left magically appeared. The campground had wonderful stone work, and flat areas to pitch tents. Plus the other campers were at a safe distance, which also made me happy. The only minus was that we had to walk down stairs to bring all of our items to the campsite.

Also, my lack of camping-by-myself-experience led to some trouble putting up our pop-up tent. But we finally got it up, and we were all proud of ourselves.

Liam was hot and scarred from the drive by this time. Also, our tent platform was located in a shade-free area.

After we set up the tent, we went into town. Hot Springs is known for, well, hot springs. And we didn’t want to go to the springs, because they were in a spa, and also it was like 95 degrees. So instead, I blew money at the local store buying the kids lots of North Carolina, Pisgah National Forest, and AT gear. Plus, Liam purchased a kazoo. Let’s just say that kazoo-player Liam is pretty talented and can match the tune to any song on a three-hour ride home.

Liam in the French Broad River

After the store, we went over to the welcome center. There a nice gentleman told Hailey and I that we could go across the street to find out about tubing, or drive 10 minutes up the road, and over the mountain, to find a trail that would run along the river. We chose the trail and planned on tubing the next morning.

Hailey in the French Broad River
Caden in the French Broad River

After the river adventure, in which I was not adventurous, we headed back to town to see if we could go tubing. We could not. The river was, in fact, too high. I was not upset about this at all. I wanted to go back to the campground to make sure I actually knew how to start a fire. So we made our way back.

When we made it to the campsite, I set up the propane stove and made hot dogs, plus corn. We also ate a lot of junk food, and played Uno about a billion times, while Caden took a nap. Liam was my savior as far as the fire was concerned. He made it, kept up with it, and we even had s’mores.

Liam, the fire starter
Liam, pretty proud of that raging fire!

Then the fun really came. Nothing will make you feel older than sleeping on the floor of a tent. I had a cushion to go under my sleeping bag and everything, but it did not help. First of all, there was a 10 year old who has no clue what personal sleeping space is. And then, Caden kept getting up, because his nap earlier had messed up his bedtime. Then it started pouring. I think I finally fell asleep at 2 AM. And I woke up at 6:30.

When I woke up, so did the kids. And they asked if we could go home. I asked if they wanted to stop at Chimney Rock, and they said no. And you know what, I was okay with that. It made me realize that trips are about the experience, spending time with the kids, and having fun. And camping–it makes you exhausted. I literally spent the rest of that day in bed watching Netflix.

I am hoping in the years to come, when my kids think of this period of COVID-19 and quarantine, they will remember these times we had together. These times I took them on an adventure, and we spent some quality time together. But you know what they’ll probably remember the most? Stopping by McDonald’s on the way home!

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Seas The Day

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First a completely unrelated anecdotal story. Last night, Rob and I went to bed sort of early. Our daughter, H, is a non-sleeper. She’s 10. We used to call her Vampire Chicken Princess — it’s a long story. Anyway, she has been decidedly sleeping on our floor since we moved to Charlotte. We want to start locking the doors.

Imagine it. 2 AM. Sleeping soundly. Dreaming of hot men or ice cream, or whatever floats your boat in a dream. All of a sudden, the light goes on and someone screams, and Rob and I sit straight up and both start screaming, looking back and forth at each other, and then realizing it’s H. I’m guessing she was sleep walking. No idea.

Seas The Day. Seize The Day. Carpe Diem. What does it mean? Certainly not starting your day by waking up screaming at 2 AM.

I began running attempting to run again. The other day, I ran at the greenway, and the whole time I huffed and puffed. I see other runners, and they look like it’s the easiest thing to breathe and run. I can tell you–it is not. Sometimes, they’re not even breaking a sweat. I think these non-breakers of sweat must be some type of new super heroes or something. I certainly do not fit in the same category.

Even though I’m slow and sound like I’m drying when I run, I get a lot out of it. For one thing, it helps me clear my head. When I run, my mind catalogs thoughts and ideas. I notice flowers, trees in blooms, and also the sound of the death rattle in my lungs (ha ha, just kidding). So the other day, when I was jogging, walk/running, dying, I looked over at the fence and found this Seas The Day rock. My first thought: that pun reminds me of my dad. My second thought: Seize the Day.

What does it mean to seize the day? To make the most of the present moment. The present is a present. I think during these COVID-19 times, I have thought a lot about my past and the future. The future is so uncertain that it can leave me feeling hazy. It is hard not to look at the future when the whole world as-we-know-it seems to be falling apart. And the past. The past just haunts you. It is good to have nostalgia sometimes, but it’s not good to dwell.

As humans, I think we are always looking for more, more, more. We look to our past to teach us about the present, but sometimes we get lost in the rose-colored tint of our memories which are often mixed with imagination. Our memories can lie to us. They can tell us something was so wonderful or perfect when, indeed, it wasn’t.

Thinking too much about the future makes you forget about today. I confess, I am one of those people who gets lost in the past and making plans for the future. I try to live in the present, and since COVID-19 I have been better about it. It is easy to take life and people for granted, but this whole experience has put a lot into perspective for me.

I miss my parents and not being able to see them. I did not realize how much seeing them once a week really brought balance to my life. I am throughly enjoying my time with my kids. And for their part, they have been pretty good. They do chores, almost regularly, and there have been very few fights where I thought one of them might kill the other. I call that a victory. These are precious moments in their lives and mine that I will look back on and think of fondly one day.

Seize the Day. Remember the present rapidly becomes the past. Don’t get caught looking back too much and miss what’s happening right in front of you. When you focus on the present you make way for a better future.

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Scheduling Life

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Today, I woke up early and I made a schedule for myself. I figure binge-watching The Last Man on Earth is not my best use of time. When stuck at home, a schedule gives you some sort of purpose, right?

So my schedule consists of walking dogs — Check! Did this at 8:30 — we went 2 miles.

Having Darling Daughter’s Distance Learning from 10-11:30.

Lunch from 11:30-12:30

Free Time from 12:30 – 2

Cleaning/Chore Time – 2-3

Done for the night?

I haven’t figured out the after 3 part. Some things I need to add are looking for a job in South Carolina/North Carolina and packing. Somehow I think finding a job is going to be more difficult with this recession coming. I’m having a lot of feels and anxiety about Hubby being the sole bread earner around here. I know a lot of people are going to be in the same spot as us.

Yesterday, the ADPH (Alabama Department of Public Health) basically closed Alabama. Restaurants and bars can be carry-out/takeout only. Daycares closed. Public beaches closed. Non-essential doctor’s appointments need to be rescheduled. I’m having the feeling my kids are not going back to school this school year. This worries me as they’re not going to be able to say goodbye to their friends.

I realize this is the new normal for pretty much everyone in the U.S. and other parts of the world. I’m hoping with people starting to take this seriously we can flatten the curve, but I do think this is going to change daily life around America. Hopefully it is a wakeup call to Americans about the state of our healthcare, and also the lack of sick leave in this country. I realize Hubby and I are luckier than a lot of other people.

Quarantining While Moving With Three Kids

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I haven’t blogged in some time. I have been so busy with my job, and then life changes. We found out in August my husband’s company was relocating us to the Charlotte area. We were excited, but also nervous for our kids. We have been living our life this year in anticipation of this move over the summer. We have found a house. And then everything changed. Overnight. We are still moving, but what do the logistics of this look like now? What happens if there’s a shelter-in-place order? Will all the pieces fall together? And what about my kids? How are they going to react.

Last Friday, we received word the kids’ schools would be closed until April 6th to try to avoid the spread of the coronavirus.

At first the kids were excited. It’s like an unforeseen vacation! My oldest said, “Yes! No school!”

Fast forward, and even though the boys are still officially on Spring Break, Son Number One said, “I miss school. Wait, isn’t it still Spring Break?”

Son Number One loves his friends. He’s 15. He is also worried that he won’t be able to see them before we move. My heart is breaking for how their world is changing so rapidly. Also, I have no idea how I’m going to teach this kid Algebra 1 if school doesn’t reopen? He will be doing loads of Khan Academy. Being an extrovert during a quarantine is difficult.

Son Number Two so far has loved his iPad. And because we are still on Spring Break, I’m letting them veg and have fun this week. Next week, we will start some kind of school or structure, even if it is only 1-2 hours long. He suggested we play Calvin ball last night. Calvin ball comes from Calvin and Hobbs, where the rules are made up as the game goes along. The kids seemed to love the outdoor time. He is also taking a Pokemon drawing class online. This is a nice diversion.

Darling Daughter has distance learning starting today. She attends a private school, and her school sent home all her books and a packet, along with instructions on what to do every day. She wanted to start it the day we brought it home. She has been keeping in touch with her friends via FaceTime and also through Roblox. She seems pretty unaffected by this so far.

Hubby is working from home starting today. This will be hard with three kids and a wife. The good news is, we are making pretty much all our food. I’m trying to keep to an exercise schedule: walking or running. The dogs are loving having us home! I will keep you all updated through this, and as things change. So far, we have enough supplies and enough toilet paper!

Dog Parks, Writing, and Kavanaugh

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I met a dog named Dog today. I took Son Number Two to the dog park. Dog was a sweet old dog. His owner said she’d gotten to the age where she just names her dogs “Dog” and her cats “Cat.” I liked it. It reminded me of Because of Winn Dixie for some reason.

Son Number Two always gets hurt when we go to Shakespeare. Shakespeare is a park that has a Fine Arts Museum and the Alabama Shakespeare Festival, a outdoor amphitheater, a dog park, and lots of green space.

But for Son Number Two the following things have happened at Shakespeare:

  • Fell and broke his wrist
  • Fell and his head hit a hard stone, causing a small bullet-sized wound on his head. The wound went all the way to his skull
  • And today–got bitten by a dog at the dog park. I didn’t lose my shit. My dog, Jazz, has nipped a kid before. She can be a bad dog. This dog had just bit another kid though, and then went after Son Number Two. And he did the grab and started to try to shake. I don’t know what set him off. Son Number Two and I were on the way out of the park.

He is okay. He is currently at movies with his dad and brother. They’re seeing something I don’t want to see so I’m having alone time.

My writing is non-existent. My sister wants me to write about my alopecia for The Moth. I also need to be writing and submitting, but I’ve been so busy. Plus, I have thank you letters for work to write, and PTA minutes to write. So much to do.

I wanted to comment on the Kavanaugh proceedings when they were going on, but didn’t have the heart to, especially with the way things went. I am worried for women. I am worried for America. I am watching The Handmaid’s Tale and it suddenly doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibilities that women’s rights could be erased. I believe women when they say they’ve been assaulted. False accusations are rare. But in the U.S. we still have this blame the victim mentality. And then Kavanaugh played the victim. I don’t want to get political, BUT I don’t think respecting women and listening to them is a political issues. I think we need to learn how to teach our young boys to be gentlemen and that sexual assault is bad. We need to change the narrative.

Signing out–hope to write more. I plan on posting some stories soon, you know, once I start writing them again.

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Hello Again

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It’s been awhile. I have had a lot going on in my life. All good things, really.

Here’s an itemized list of my month of August

  • Kids started school. On August 6th. I mean, why? Super early. But, honestly, the routine has been good for them.
  • Hubby went out of town and came back on August 6th. Then he went out of town on August 15th for a week. This meant I had to go it all alone (with some help from my awesome mom and my awesome niece).
  • I started a new job on August 15th. Did you notice how that coincided with Hubby going out of town? Yeah, perfect timing! HA
  • My sister came into town to visit. I spent almost every night hanging out with her, except when she went to see Phish with my husband.
  • My sister and I drove up to see my other sister one weekend.
  • We went to the beach.
  • There were about 12,000 back-to-school nights, PTA meetings, and one conference.

I love my new job. I’m no longer in banking. I’m in education. And I’m working for a non-profit, which is seriously awesome and I feel more fulfilled in my life. That’s super important for me, I think. It took me a long time to make a leap out of the safety of my banking job, but I think I did it at the right time. I ultimately feel happier and more satisfied.

I promise to start writing a weekly blog. I will be continuing my race series, and adding some short stories. Maybe one of these days I’ll have time to work on my novel again.

But for now, I just wanted to say hi and that I’m around even though I’ve been quiet. August is just an insanely busy month.

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Vengeance

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Another Chuck Wendig challenge today. Chuck asked us to write a story about revenge. I decided to write about a victim of bullying, and how she decides to enact revenge on the bully.

Unfortunately, this story hits home to me. As a 4th grader, I was repeatedly bullied and physically assaulted by another child. I have alopecia, and because I was different, this little boy decided to pick on me. I didn’t tell my parents for a long time. I confided in my sister. She and I spent time sending him love and positive energy, as my sister thought this might make him change his ways. It didn’t.

The next year, my parents moved me out of that school into a private school. I have never forgotten what that little boy did to me, and to this day I wonder if he feels guilty about it. I also wonder what was going on in his life for him to treat me that way. Bullying is a serious issue and should always be addressed. I don’t want to enact revenge on my bully, but an I’m sorry would have been nice. The beginning part of this story is a autobiographical. Teach your kids to be kind and accepting, especially to those who are different.alo

Vengeance — 839 words

 

I had been obsessed with finding Burke Hardwich since about seventh grade. Lying in my bed at night, I pictured his 4th grade self. His two canines missing—never having grown back—and me looking up at him from the ground. The first time he hurt me, we had been lined up for music. He pushed me down, and I went skidding onto the black asphalt, my arm split wide open. I needed stitches. I told my parents it was just an accident.

The accidents continued. Burke would find me alone on the corner of a playground, and he would hit me in the stomach. He kicked out my foot while I carried a tray of spaghetti across the blue and white tile of the cafeteria, red sauce spraying the walls like blood.

I never told Mom and Dad how much Burke hurt me. I started having stomachaches. I sat in the office for most of my 4th grade year, waiting to make a phone call to Dad’s secretary at work who I could always depend on to pick me up.

Burke moved in 5th grade. I felt relief in his leaving of course. My tormentor was gone, and there wasn’t another one to take his place. But as the years went on I became more and more obsessed with Burke.

Fast forward to now. I’m sitting in a dingy apartment in Alabama, and I’ve just landed a job with Burke’s company. He’s a high-powered CEO. Making the big bucks. He’s married and has 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a dog. I have none of those things. I am alone. I have fixed up my appearance today. I’m wearing a red dress designed to accentuate my curves. I’ve had my teeth stained white, put on just enough makeup, and my hair has been recently curled. I look in the mirror, double-checking myself. I look hot. Who could say no to this?

My pseudonym is Camilla. The name means warrior, and that is what I am. For too long, I have let Burke destroy me, and now it’s my turn to destroy him.

In the office, I plant myself at my assigned desk. My heart beats fast in excitement, not nervousness. Burke comes in, chatting on his cell phone. He raises his eyebrows at me in acknowledgment. The skin in between his eyebrows crinkles up as he looks at me. I see recognition, like he knows me but can’t place me. Yes, Burke, you do know me—at least a previous version of myself.

He goes into his office. A few minutes later, he pings me. I walk in. I place my whole body up on his desk, and I cross my sleek legs. I tap my foot, and my heel slips on and off. I take in his look. His eyes run up and down my body, trying to make sense of what he sees. I know he wants to touch me. I can feel it. I like playing this game of cat and mouse with him. I like being the one in control, not the one flat on my back in the asphalt, or being punched silly on the playground.

The weeks go on. I make advances. At first, he doesn’t do anything. Then one day, there is a touch of my hand. A week goes by. My phone is set to record when he tells me what he wants to do with me. I smile and nod, playing along. That night, I send the audio file to HR. They waste no time in terminating him. I am exultant at his demise.

The next day, I show up at his door. His wife answers. She is grimacing at me.

“Are you her?”

“Is Burke home?”

“Burke,” she screams, and slams the door in my face.

He comes out his face tilted down in guilt and angst. I understand I have probably destroyed his marriage too, a fact that makes me giddy.

“You ruined my fucking life,” he says. “Why would you do that?”

“Burke, do you know who I am?” I ask.

I am playing with fire, being there anyway. He could call the police. He could say I have been stalking him. It would be true. I stand with my hands on my hips and stare at him. His face looks like a question mark. Of course, he would not know. I had meant nothing to him in 4th grade. I was a piece of garbage he had been intent on annihilating. He had put me away with all of the rest of his childish things.

I reach into my purse, and I pull out the 4th Grade class picture. I am in the front row, glasses, and bald spots from alopecia. Burke stands in the back, towering over everyone. I tap on my picture as realization spreads across his face.

“I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his head.

“Yeah me too. But now we’re even.”

I throw the picture at him, and I walk away.

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