On My Mind

I realize I haven’t been posting as frequently. I’ve been working on my novel. It’s slow going. I have 5,000 words, but I’m also doing in depth character sketches. I have an idea of where the book is going, but after juggling several characters I felt spending time on research and character sketches was the way to go.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and I guess this makes me a better writer. But a lot of what’s been on my mind can’t be shared with you all–not at this point. Most importantly, I’m trying to get myself organized in my writing and in my life. I’ve had some issues with my kids, but I try not to write about them in the public sphere unless it’s something positive. I don’t want them reading something later on and saying, “Mom, why’d you write that about me or say that about me?” I find that wholly unfair to them. Especially now that I have an almost teenager. Lord knows my very existence is embarrassing enough to him.

Most days, I still feel like I’m pretending. I feel like I’m pretending to be a writer. I feel like I’m pretending to be a good parent. I feel like I’m pretending to be a friend. I guess writers think too much, which can be debilitating. Maybe I haven’t taken enough risks in my life. I’m timid in a lot of ways (Hubby would say I’m a bulldog, but not where it matters). I always think, “I could have done this or I could have done that, but I didn’t follow through.” Follow through is important. Taking calculated risks are important. I seem to always play it safe. I’m tired of safe.

The other day, Middle Son said, “Maybe when you’re a rich and famous author we can go to London.”

And I said, “It’s hard to become a famous author.”

And he said, “But you will, Mom.” No question in his heart that his mommy would be famous one day. I wish I had the faith my child has in me. I’m endlessly hard on myself. And I fear I’m endlessly hard on my kids too. I’m hard on my friends. I hold grudges for no reason, or because someone said something to me that hurt my feelings. I probably don’t listen enough. Life, success, friendships–they’re all so hard to navigate.

Last week, I decided I would count my calories again and exercise. I ran 4 times last week. I plugged my food into MyFitnessPal–when it was convenient. Again with the half-assedness. I keep asking myself why I’m not losing weight as I stuff another chocolate bar in my mouth! Okay, not really, but at 140 calories for 1 1/4 cup, eating a whole bag of Chicago Mix surely adds up.

I’m not where I want to be with my life, writing, friendships, weight because of ME. I tell my kids that they are responsible for their grades and their schoolwork. I tell them they will do well if they try hard. I tell them the only person they have to blame if they fail is themselves. Yet I can’t seem to figure this out or apply it to my own life.

On the whole, I’m happy, but I still feel like there is something missing. My sister said the other day, “You’re like me, you get bored. You have to be driven.” And that’s true, but my drive waxes and wanes like my moods. Perhaps I have ADHD, never diagnosed. A not-so-wonderful Kindergarten teacher told my mother that I’d never go to college. Perhaps she could see my desire to give up. It seems innate in me. When the going gets tough–give up. When there’s too much work–sit and watch Netflix for an hour. When the kids are driving me batty–run away to a hot bath. But isn’t even saying it’s because this or that a form of blame–a form of not looking in the mirror and seeing my flaws and my positive character traits–seeing myself for who I am: me. I need to face things head on. I need to make the hard decisions and take the risks necessary to make my life meaningful and to feel fulfilled.

But why is that so hard for me to do?

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Newsletter Is A’Coming!

I had a busy weekend. I told my boys I would take them to Airwalk, an indoor trampoline arena one of the first weeks of summer. This was the weekend! We went up with a friend. And, there’s no video proof, but I did a front flip! It only took me the whole time to get my nerve up but once I did I wanted to do it over and over again. We had a two hour jump, but we only lasted one and a half hours. Granted, my oldest told me he could have jumped the whole 2 hours, but my seven year old was exhausted. Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory and made a stop at the Lego store before we came home. I want to be a kid again!

Here’s some videos of the kids getting their jump on:

I’ve been goal oriented lately, but with our day trip and then my niece and nephew being here yesterday, I didn’t achieve my goal of getting my newsletter set up this weekend. There never seems to be enough time in the day. Plus, now I’m ill and feel so tired from hacking up a lung. But I’m just going to move that goal over to this week and make sure it gets done.

Tell me more about this newsletter, you say? In the next few days, I’ll have a sign-up sheet over at my Facebook Author Page:https://www.facebook.com/laurengreenewrites. I’ll send a newsletter out once a month or so with important news about my books. I’ll also feature some authors I love who are up and coming, just like me. I’ll have a personal section, a section on writing, and probably a section on what I’m currently reading. This is still in the works! So make sure to be on the lookout for the sign-up sheet that’s coming soon!

P is for Party

Who doesn’t like a good party? Today is my son’s 7th birthday. We had a wonderful time celebrating at the gym with fourteen of his friends! We invited his whole class, and had a great turnout. Now we have tons of new toys (time to get rid of the old ones).

Liam is a Lego lover. He wanted a Ninjago Party.

I went a little crazy when I ordered the cake, but I think it turned out great.  We don’t do a lot of “big” friend birthdays, mostly just family, so it was fun to splurge on my middle child a little bit!

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The top part was vanilla, and the bottom was strawberry (Liam’s favorite). I have photos from the actual party, but I’m not going to post them as they have other people’s kids in them. Needless to say, they had fun tumbling at the gym, jumping on the trampoline, and just generally being kids.

And here’s a video of Liam doing what he loves to do best, putting together the Ninjago Lego set we gave him for his birthday.

I loved birthday parties like that when I was kid. Did you have BIG birthday parties when you were growing up? Do you have big birthday parties for your kids, or do you mostly do family parties? Share in the comments!