Goals and More Goals!

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I think living life by achieving goal makes one more successful. Setting goals for yourself and getting there is more meaningful and leads to success more often than anything else I’ve found. It took me awhile to realize this, but once I did I began setting goals for myself and watching myself attain those goals. Having a goal and achieving a goal leads to happiness. At least, it does for me. There is nothing better than crossing a finish line and knowing you achieved what you set out to do.

I had a great week last week. I edited and revised Little Birdhouses. I wrote. I cleaned my bathroom. These were all goals on my list. And last but not least, I ran my first 5K in about two years. My goal was to do it in 32 minutes. I didn’t quite get there, but I got close. My official time was 32:47.

Here are my splits:

Splits

You can tell I started out too fast and couldn’t maintain my pace. So on my next 5K in March, I’m going to set Runkeeper for a 10 minute pace and see if I can maintain that. But when you’re in a race, your adrenaline tends to get the best of you! I’m still training for the half-marathon with my sisters, but I’m scared I won’t be able to run 13.1 miles. We will see. It’s a goal, that’s for sure, and since I love to achieve goals I will probably end up doing it.

What are your goals for this week, month, or year?

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Inspiration and Godliness

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This past week, I attended a book club to discuss my book The Devil Within and do a little book signing. I’m always a little nervous attending these functions, but it’s nothing a big glass of wine won’t cure. 😉 Luckily, the book clubs I go to usually have wine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fairly outgoing but I’m always nervous and a little shy in a group of people I don’t know at first. It takes me a few minutes to come out of my shell.

Book clubs are always interesting, because sometimes readers have insight on your book that you didn’t necessarily have. Or their opinions about the characters and the events differ from the author’s own thoughts. I find this intriguing, and it’s one of the things I love most about writing: the reader’s reaction.

At this book club, one of the attendees questioned by inspiration. I’ve never had this happen before, but it made me think about inspiration. Because really, inspiration is a funny thing. Slimy, slippery, there one minute and gone the next. A single fleck of an idea that spins into a larger story like a blanket being spun from yarn.

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What about this sign inspired me to write about Will and his family? I’d driven past this sign a million times, and then one day as I drove past it I thought about a little boy, growing up on that beautiful rolling hill, in a family that used religion to justify abuse.

Religion and the South go together like peanut butter and jelly. But religion and big churches can always be used to further hateful agendas. They can be full of hypocrisy. They can provide so much good too: comfort, devotion, and social outlets. And looking at this sign, spawned the idea in my head of Will being stuck in the middle of the two: devotion to religion as a comfort and devotion to religion as a way to further hate.

What inspired me to write this book? My own background of growing up in the South. My own thoughts on how religion and Christianity ought to promote love and peace instead of hatred and judgement, a thought I’ve struggled with my whole life in respect to the promotion of the Christian agenda. Spirituality and godliness plus church don’t always necessarily go together. One can lead a Christian life without ever attending church. Or one can lead a life promoting kindness and faith without even believing in God.

Driving to Knoxville with my oldest son two weeks ago, we passed this sign and here was our discussion (He’s 11):

M: What do you think about the message on that sign?

C: I think it’s true. Church is good. God is good.

M: So do you think if you have a person who is always doing the wrong thing, and he’s hateful, and hurtful that if he goes to church the devil won’t get him?

C: Backtracks, Well, um, maybe not.

M: What if you have a person who doesn’t go to church, maybe doesn’t even believe in God, and mostly does the right thing (there is no always–no one always does the right thing)? Is that person doomed to an eternity in hell, because he didn’t go to church even though he was true and good?

C: You’re right. The devil wouldn’t get that good person.

It’s all about perspective. I’m interested in knowing what road my next flake of inspiration will take me down.

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Slow Down

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Sometimes all I want is for things to slow down. I’ve been traveling for the last few weekends with my oldest son to gymnastics meets. This past weekend, we went to Knoxville to the Ozone Invitational, and then we drove over to Nashville in some horrible fog to see my sister.

At the awards at the meet (Caden came in 7th out of the other 36 gymnasts in his age group), John Roethlisberger a former Olympian spoke to us about how hard gymnastics is and how wonderful it is that our children have chosen this sport. Caden was super excited when we left, and he came up to us and said, “Good job!” and I told Caden that he was a former Olympian. I think that made his life.

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And here Caden is on the rings. I love how close we were able to get at his meet. The video is so clear, because we could walk around and see him from all sides (pretty much). He earned a 9.6 on rings. His best score of the meet was 10.9 on high bar, but he scored 9 or over on all events.

Now I’m looking forward to being home and doing a little bit of writing for the next three weeks. We won’t have to travel again until the second week in February. I love seeing my son doing what he loves. I think that’s more important than all the medals in the world.

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The Flaw of Perfectionism

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This weekend, I sat on the bench and watched my son compete in a gymnastics meet in Roswell, GA. He’s been in gymnastics for years, and he’s good. He’s generally a hard worker. But he missed about five months last year due to a dislocated shoulder, and he still holds himself to the standards of the boys who are in their second year as level 5s.

He did well at the meet. He messed up on the floor, and that was his first event, so I think that led him down a dark wormhole in his mind. But after rings, he started crying. He was so upset. He scored a 10.1 on rings (not bad by any means), but he felt like he should have been scored higher. And he hyper-focused on it, getting more and more upset. At one point, he even walked off the floor. I tried to calm him down, but he wanted to be by himself. By the time he made it to his last event, high bars, he’d calmed himself down and he managed to pull an 11.2, first place for the event.

 

Watching him struggle was hard for me, and I recognized myself in him. How many of us quit when it gets tough? How many of us quit when we feel like our best is not our best? I sat and watch my son beat himself up, because his rings weren’t perfect and that’s hard for a parent to see. Mainly, because he inherited this trait from me and probably from the way we parent.

I’ve done a lot of reading over the years on perfectionism, because having struggled with it I know it can be debilitating. The thing about perfectionism is that it doesn’t spur you on to bigger and better things, it actually holds you back from being all you can be. It takes all the positives of a motivated individual and turns them into negatives and all the what if’s pop up: what if I fail? what if I don’t win? what if? what if? until the what ifs make the person stop doing what they love. The “what ifs” seem to become the driving factor in making the perfectionist feel trapped by their own perceived lack of achievement.

I haven’t been writing lately, and I know this is from self-doubt and perfectionism cropping into my mind. I haven’t been putting the time in, because I still don’t know if I’m good enough. But doing what I love should be good enough for me. I tried to emphasize this to my oldest son over the weekend. “You love gymnastics, right? Then keep working hard, and don’t get so bent out of shape over one meet.” This is a hard lesson to learn, and it’s a hard lesson for me to teach. I’m sure he’s seen me give up when things get tough, or when I don’t think the writing is just right, or when life gets too overwhelming

So how do we overcome perfectionism?

We need to teach our children that good enough is good enough. Winning isn’t everything. Hard work matters, but it’s okay to fail. In fact, learning how to cope with failure leads us to success later on and gives us the tools to know how to succeed.  We need to stop being afraid to let our children fail.

Celebrate victories. When my son didn’t do as well as he wanted in the meet, he said that the first place on high bar didn’t even matter. I told him he was nuts. He had scored 1st out of 61 kids. That was something! I told him not to focus on the negative, but to look at the overall picture, to learn what he could work on for the next week, and to look at the fact that he tried hard and did well.  I pointed out that he came in 5th overall in his age group (top 20 out of the 6o kids), and that last time we’d done this meet he had come in 9th. I showed him his progress. We celebrated his victory with a trip to Starbucks, and as the day went on he became excited about winning his gold on high bar and the feelings about the rings began to dissipate.

Love and respect yourself. Perfectionist tend to be mean to themselves. Self-blame. Self-critical. They’re often meaner to themselves than anyone else in their life. This leads to depression. Love yourself and all your flaws, and learn how to let go of the need for perfection.

Don’t give up. Persistence pays off. As a writer, this is something I’ve had to learn. Giving up gets you nowhere. Learn how to roll with the punches without assigning blame to yourself or making yourself feel guilty for failures, work hard, and keep at it.

Perfectionism is something I’ll have to work on controlling for the rest of my life. I’ll fight the feelings that come with it, and it seems like my son will too. But I know with mindfulness, I can let go and learn how to be happy with my best.

 

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FOCUS

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Meet season is starting, so a large part of my time over the next few months will be spent sitting on the bench watching my amazing son do what he loves the most: gymnastics.

This morning, I woke up overwhelmed by all I had to do and the crazy-busy travel schedule of meet season. I hate that overwhelming feeling, especially at the new year. I like to go into a new year thinking about the possibilities and aiming for achieving my resolutions. I don’t like defeating myself with negative thinking before I even start. But the truth is, I lead an extremely busy life, and if I don’t focus on how to achieve my writing goals then I won’t achieve them. It’s as simple as that.

FOCUS

F – Follow-Through – Perhaps this is the hardest part for me. My main resolution is to finish revisions on Little Birdhouses. The actual novel has been written for about year now. I’ve revised it about seven times, but I know I still have work to do. It’s just hard, and unfortunately I let that sneaky little bitch, self-doubt, creep into my mind. Is it good enough? Will people like it? Will I ever be able to write full-time or will my life continue to be this monotony of early mornings, too much coffee, and complete exhaustion by 8:30 PM? All these questions crop up, and instead of following through I have the tendency to give up. But I need to focus and finish the work, and so I’m going to work on my follow-through. I’m going to schedule my editing and revisions time and stick to it no matter what.

O – Organization – I toyed with making “O” obsessive, because I think you do have to be a little obsessive as a writer. I have an obsessive personality–anyone who knows me would tell you that.  You have to become obsessed with your characters, with the idea of writing, the idea of finishing. But perhaps the thing I struggle with most in my life, organization, is the real part of FOCUS that I lack right now. If you’ve ever seen my bedroom you know I have an organizational problem. I get overwhelmed with clutter and stuff, and everything, and then I have no idea where to start. This same thing can happen with writing, because sometimes there are too many ideas, too many directions our characters want to take us, and since I don’t outline (or I only roughly outline inside my head) it can be a real problem for me. This year, I’m going to organize my time. I’m going to do rough-outlines for my work to give me a direction that I can deviate from if I want to, but that will help me organize my work to be able to follow-through, finish up, and succeed.

C – Creativity – Of course! I don’t lack in creativity. In fact, sometimes I think it gets in the way of my focus. When I’m running, my mind blurred out on the buildings or trees ahead, story reels tend to stream endlessly in my head. Often, I don’t remember them, but sometimes they sit there biding me to write them. If I had all the time in the world to write then maybe I could be prolific like Stephen King. But I don’t. I need direction for my creativity. Sometimes I feel a little ADHD, because I start something only to have a better idea arise. Only the idea usually isn’t better. It’s just new, and the beginning part of writing is always the easiest. It’s the crap-part in the middle that’s hard. That’s the part where writers want to give up and think their work is shit. But if they keep going they can paint something beautiful. It’s just getting past that little bugger I mentioned before, self-doubt, that allows creativity to really do its job.

U – Understanding – I think this is very important. I took a month long break in December. I inherently understood that I needed it. I was feeling burnt out. I needed to be with my family. And that’s okay. If you understand yourself and your needs then it makes the ability to focus on the task at hand more manageable. Plus, it allows you to understand your characters, and therefore when you write them they’re going to feel more real, more three-dimensional, like actual living and breathing human beings. (Sometimes I feel like my characters live with me while I’m writing them, and if this doesn’t add to focus then I don’t know what does).

S – Success – With focus come success. I think success is an important factor, and it help writers to keep writing. What do I mean by success? It’s not the idea of making millions of dollars on writing. To me, success is when someone calls me up and says, “Your writing spoke to me.” “I felt so sad for Will.” “I, unfortunately, could relate to his situation.” “Your dialogue is amazing and feels so real.” “You have a way with words.” It’s being understood. It’s writing words on paper, coming from my own mind, that resonate with other people. It’s spreading the common human experience and hoping someone else who is also seeking answers in their lives might get a little something from it It’s a shared part of this crazy human existence — a shared understanding — a shared emotion. The key to success in writing is for readers to understand what the author is trying to say. Maybe just one reader. Maybe a thousand readers, but readers. What’s the point of writing if no one is going to read your book?

 

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Resolutions for 2016

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There’s a cold front sailing into Montgomery encapsulated in three-six inches of rain, and unfortunately the storm seems to be raging in my head. I’ve had a headache for two days now, and no amount of nasal spray, Allegra D, Sudafed, Tylenol, or Advil seems to be helping it.

It seems fitting to wake up on New Year’s Eve with a headache. Starting a new year is like a fresh start. Oh the possibilities. But sometimes the only way to get to where you want in life is to suffer pain and heartache (or in this case, a terrible headache). This headache is a little reminder to me this morning of how far I came this year in my own life.

I’m a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. I know they say only 30% of people achieve those resolutions, but for the last few years I’ve been in that 30%. The hint to achieving your resolutions is to set small, measurable, attainable goals.

For instance, instead of saying: I’m going to lose weight. Say: I’m going to lose 15 lbs. Or instead of saying: I’m giving up all sugar forever and ever, say: I’m going to give up drinking soda. Instead of saying: I’m going to become the next great author this year, say: my goal is to publish one book. Seriously, measurable and realistic.

So what’s my resolution? I have one main resolution, and I’m sure I’ll add goals as the year goes on.

  • Finish revising Little Birdhouses and start querying.

That’s it. I’ve been sitting on it and not doing what I need to do with it, and it’s starting to annoy me. So I know I need to finish. I’ll query it, and if that doesn’t go my way then maybe I’ll submit it to Booktrope. They published my book, The Devil Within, which has been moderately successful.

I have a couple of things I’d like to achieve this year as well, which aren’t really resolutions but just items on my list to check off.

  • Run a Half-Marathon – this is a biggie and scares the crap out of me, but is also really exciting.
  • Finish working on The Cape and start revisions.

That’s it folks. What are your resolutions this year?

 

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Forgiveness

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Maybe I’m just sappy and sentimental, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my life this past week or two and how much I’ve grown this year as a person. My life has not always been easy, and I’m sure those of you who know me personally know how much I’ve struggled in the past few years. I’ve struggled to find myself. I’ve struggled in my marriage. I’ve struggled in my relationships. I’ve struggled with the ugly “D” word: depression.

Today as I drove to work I felt happy and fulfilled as I reflected back on my year. And I realized the reason I felt happy was because I intentionally chose happiness.  As I lay in bed last night, talking to my husband, I said, “I love myself so much. And if you can’t love yourself then you can can’t love anyone else, right?” “Right,” he said. He’s not much of a talker. But I’m sure his mind was thinking something like, here she goes “self-philosophizing Lauren again.” But it’s true. It takes self-love in order to make yourself happy and in order to be able to give back to others.

A couple of days ago I posted on a few boards I’m a member of asking people to state the theme of their year. The answers were insightful, interesting, painful, sad, tragic, funny, happy—all rolled into one. And it made me think about how all of those adjectives describe life and are what make it worth living.

My theme of the year was forgiveness. First I forgave myself.  Then I forgave my husband, my parents, my siblings, my friends, and anyone who I have ever perceived as doing me wrong. But it started with ME. I forgave myself for all my faults. I forgave myself for feelings of love I can’t control. I forgave myself for living in the past too often. I forgave myself for yelling at the kids, having a short fuse, not saying no enough, being too busy, not reaching my goals when I wrote, and for failing to clean my bathroom often enough. I forgave myself all those little strings of self-hate that build up inside of us and make us unhappy with ourselves. And it was hard. Self-doubt crept in. Guilt crept in. Sadness lay sickly sweet right below the surface of my skin.  It was a process—much like grieving and moving on. I back slid. I fell into depression, but I realized where the depression came from, worked through it, and didn’t let it trap me.

I wrote with a vengeance for the first time in years. I soaked up everything I’ve learned in my meager 36 years and put it on paper. I made new friends. I lost a few friends. I missed old friends. I reconnected with old friends. I grieved relationships whose seasons had expired but found happiness in the temporariness of those relationships as well.  And through it all, I realized forgiveness is key. Letting go of the need to control. Losing expectations of others while maintaining expectations of yourself. Making yourself happy and choosing to live in a way that’s giving to other people without feeling the need for reciprocation. Telling myself that I’m doing the best I can and loving myself for it. That was my lesson for 2015.

What is forgiveness you may ask?

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

I don’t want to be a victim of myself anymore. I don’t want to blame others for the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to not pursue my dreams because pursuing them is hard. I want to be able to let go of the negativity and stop living in a permanent state of self-hatred. I want to love myself for who I am and realize that flaws are what make us beautiful as humans. I want to love other people, all of their flaws and scars and human-stuff and realize the only person I can control is myself and be okay with that.

This year, I decided to stop feeling guilty for my own feelings. Instead of embracing guilt, hate, and anger this year I chose to embrace love and it changed my whole perspective on life.

If you can’t forgive yourself then you can’t forgive others. We all have baggage. We have all been hurt by the people we’re closest to. We can use hate, guilt, and ugliness to drive stakes into our own hearts, our marriages, the lives of our children, or we can turn it around and be compassionate, loving, and we can give to others even when it’s so hard to do. This is forgiveness.

Live your life with love and you’ll be rewarded with love. Live your life with hate and all you’ll get back is hate.

 

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A Little Bit About The People I Love

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I’m in a writing funk this month. Although, I’m not feeling particularly restless about it like usual. I think this is because my life feels full. And what a wonderful feeling that is.

We had photos done for Christmas cards this year. Don’t worry if you didn’t receive one from me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means I’m a cheapskate and only ordered 50. So if you were in that lucky fifty, count your blessings!

Here are some of my favorite photos from the photo shoot by Amanda Kay Photography. You should go over and like her page, and if you’re local then use her! She’s very talented.

I felt like the photos are such a good representation of who my kids are. My oldest is always climbing, and the photo in the tree captures his personality so well. My middle one can be quiet but spunky. And my baby is sweet, but a little sassy too.

I was so impressed with how much their personalities shown through in these photos. I think it gives you a little taste of what my every day life is like. I will say, it took us awhile to get my oldest down from the tree so we could take the rhino photo. There’s always one stubborn one in my family (wonder where he got that from?). And I was a little surprised these came out as well as they did, because I felt like I was going to blow my gasket since they were running around like the little lunatics they are and complaining about having to sit still for photos! Aww, kids. You know what I mean if you have a few of your own!

So Merry Christmas (or Happy Chanukah or Happy Kwanza) from my family to yours!

 

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Excuses

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This is the excuse post. The one that explains what the hell I’ve been doing in the last week and half since you haven’t heard from me. Mostly it’s because it’s Christmas time, and Christmas time is crazy-busy time in my already crazy-busy world.

Also, I chose not to work out on Monday so I could stay home and watch Christmas Vacation, snuggle on the couch with the kids, and eat popcorn. I have my priorities straight!

But seriously, I want you to know this blog isn’t going silent, but the next few months I have a lot going on so I will not be posting as much as usual.

  1. Christmas Time: Of course! How many parties can be fit into one month? Can I get all my Christmas shopping done and wrap and still escape with my sanity?
  2. Gymnastics Season here we come. In case you’re new here and didn’t know, my oldest son is a gymnast and gymnastics season kicked off in November, but it beefs up in January and February. We will be crazy busy, but I hope to post some of his videos here if I get a new camera for Christmas. He’s pretty amazing. I’m not biased!
  3. I may be am a little crazy, because I’m actually entertaining the idea of running a half-marathon with my sisters in April. Here’s the training schedule I’m doing, and as you can see it’s taking up A LOT of my mornings that I used to use for blogging. I’m still not certain I can do it, but heck, I’m going to try!
  4. HalfMarathonTraining
  5. I can’t get rid of that 4 above and bring it down below, so you’ll just have to deal!
  6. I’ve been really into reading this month. I read I’ll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson, and it was flipping fantastic. I highly recommend it.

All of these excuses to say that I’m really sorry! I hope to post at least once a week in the next couple of months, but wanted to stop by to tell you a little bit about what’s going on in my crazy life. Also, if you’re a subscriber to my newsletter, a new one will be coming out on December 31, 2015!

 

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Achieving Your Goals

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Maybe this is a funny post to write after all of the U.S.A. gorged themselves on too much food yesterday. But I always say there is no place like the present to make a positive change. I am a procrastinator, and I’ve always been hell bent on putting off until tomorrow what I can get done today. But all that changed when I decided to make some much-needed changes in my life.

Back, a few years ago, I lost all my hair to Alopecia Universalis. And I realized I was fat and unhappy. I’ve told you all about this before, so bear with me, this blog post might actually go somewhere.

I remember thinking it didn’t matter what I put in my mouth, because I thought that no matter what I’d always be fat. Watching my diet and exercise seemed exhausting on top of raising three kids, working, and being unhappy with most of where my life was heading. I focused on the negative and was in a real slump. I felt lost, and I wanted things to be different for me and for my family.

And then one day, I was walking up the stairs at work and I could barely catch my breath. I flipped through some pictures from my wedding, and I saw how healthy I looked. I looked at how I always sat on the couch and didn’t even really want to play with my three little kids. And it was enough for me to make a change. I started going to Tae Kwon Do. I made friends. I focused on myself and my needs. I changed my attitude to others. I started being nicer to people in my life and worked on controlling my anger, which had spiraled out of control at that point. I worked on both my physical and mental health (they go hand-in-hand folks).

I found the value in having goals, achieving goals, and not putting those goals off. Today, I’m more physically healthy and more emotionally healthy than I’ve been in a long time. I’m thankful for all I have: family, friends, health, work, and for my writing successes. I realized in order to make a positive change in your life, you have to be willing to do it and stop making excuses that allow you to fail. I also realized that happiness comes from within, not from external forces, not from your friends and your family. If you’re not happy with yourself, then everyone will disappoint you because you’re disappointed with yourself.

And slowly but surely, I lost 60 pounds. I struggled. I still struggle to get off the couch, but now I exercise about six days a week. I watch what I put in my mouth. And when I’m feeling sad, I let myself wallow for a few days, and then I think about what I can change to bring myself out of the funk, instead of blaming others.

LaurenBefore Picture

Lauren – Thanksgiving 2011. Someone tell me to get a new wig please! I didn’t allow anyone to take full body shots of me then!

Lauren 2015 Thanksgiving

Lauren 2015 – 60 pounds later – Sorry for the quality folks, I’m in between cameras!

If I can do it then anyone can. Set your mind to something and you can achieve it. Accountability matters, even if the person you’re accountable to is yourself.

What are your goals? Weight loss or otherwise?

 

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